Link, Post and News

21 Ways To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity

2007-03-21T10:13:00.000-07:00

1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.

2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.

3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, ask If They Want Fries with that.

4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label it "In".

5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks . Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.

6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write " For Smuggling Diamonds".

7. Finish All Your sentences with "In Accordance With The Prophecy".

8. Don't use any punctuation.

9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.

10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.

11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go".

12. Sing Along At The Opera.

13. Go To A Poetry Recital. And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme?

14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play tropical Sounds All Day.

15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You're Not In The Mood.

16. Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name, Rock Bottom.

17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream "I Won! I Won!"

18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking lot, Yelling "Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!"

19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, "Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go."

20. Go to the fitting rooms with a packet of condoms and say you would like to fit it.

21. And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity .....

Send This E-mail To Someone To Make Them Smile.

Its Called ... therapy.

Forgiveness !!! (Brilliant)

2007-03-07T23:13:00.001-08:00

A priest asked his congregation
"How many of you are willing to forgive your enemies?"
80% held up their hands. The priest then repeated his question.
All responded this time, except one small elderly Lady.
"Mrs Jones?" "Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"
"I don't have any." She replied, smiling sweetly.
"Mrs Jones, that is very unusual.
How old are you?"
"Ninety eight" she replied.
"Oh, Mrs Jones, would you please come down to the front and tell us all
how a person can live ninety eight years and not have an enemy in the
World?"

The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the
congregation and said:

"I outlived the bitches."

Origin of Afrikaans surnames..(CLASSIC)

2007-03-07T22:58:00.001-08:00

Dit is klasiek - this is classic...

What do u call:
1. A doctor that does circumcisions............ Dr. P.P. Snyman
2. An Afrikaaner Gynaecologist................... Dr.Koekemoer
3. An Afrikaaner who doesn't go to church............ Van NieKerk
4. An Afrikaaner who failed June exams.............. Viljoen
5. An Afrikaaner that trips and falls in the mountains.........Vander
Berg
6. The Afrikaaner that votes in EVERY election ...... WOUTER
7. The Afrikaaner that drives the loud Datsun Stanza........BASSon
8. The Afrikaaner that is very well endowed ......... De LANGE
9. A Male Afrikaaner that prefers other male species...... De KOCK
10. The Afrikaaner thats always high....... POTgieter .
11. An Afrikaaner moffie.......... Sakkie De Kock

WHY I FIRED MY SECRETARY...

2007-03-07T22:56:00.001-08:00

WHY I FIRED MY SECRETARY...

LAST WEEK WAS MY BIRTHDAY AND I DIDN'T FEEL VERY WELL WAKING UP THAT MORNING.

I WENT DOWNSTAIRS FOR BREAKFAST HOPING MY WIFE WOULD BE PLEASANT AND SAY,
"HAPPY BIRTHDAY!", AND POSSIBLY HAVE A PRESENT FOR ME.

AS IT TURNED OUT, SHE BARELY SAID GOOD MORNING, LET ALONE "HAPPY
BIRTHDAY."

I THOUGHT... WELL, THAT'S MARRIAGE FOR YOU, BUT THE KIDS WILL REMEMBER.

MY KIDS CAME INTO BREAKFAST AND DIDN'T SAY A WORD. SO WHEN I LEFT FOR THE
OFFICE, I WAS FEELING PRETTY LOW AND SOMEWHAT DESPONDENT.

AS I WALKED INTO MY OFFICE, MY SECRETARY JANE SAID, "GOOD MORNING, BOSS,

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!"

IT FELT A LITTLE BETTER THAT AT LEAST SOMEONE HAD REMEMBERED.

I WORKED UNTIL ONE O'CLOCK AND THEN JANE KNOCKED ON MY DOOR AND SAID, "YOU
KNOW, IT'S SUCH A BEAUTIFUL DAY OUTSIDE, AND IT'S YOUR BIRTHDAY, LET'S GO
OUT TO LUNCH, JUST YOU AND ME."

I SAID, "THANKS JANE, THAT'S THE GREATEST THING I'VE HEARD ALL DAY. LET'S
GO!"

WE WENT TO LUNCH. BUT WE DIDN'T GO WHERE WE NORMALLY WOULD GO.
WE DINED INSTEAD AT A LITTLE PLACE WITH A PRIVATE TABLE. WE HAD TWO
MARTINIS EACH AND I ENJOYED THE MEAL TREMENDOUSLY ON THE WAY BACK TO THE
OFFICE, JANE SAID, "YOU KNOW, IT'S SUCH A BEAUTIFUL DAY... WE DON'T NEED

TO GO BACK TO THE OFFICE, DO WE?"

I RESPONDED, "I GUESS NOT. WHAT DO YOU HAVE IN MIND?"

SHE SAID, "LET'S GO TO MY APARTMENT."

AFTER ARRIVING AT HER APARTMENT JANE TURNED TO ME AND SAID, "BOSS, IF YOU
DON'T MIND, I'M GOING TO STEP INTO THE BEDROOM FOR A MOMENT. I'LL BE RIGHT
BACK."

"OK." I NERVOUSLY REPLIED.

SHE WENT INTO THE BEDROOM AND, AFTER A COUPLE OF MINUTES, SHE CAME OUT
CARRYING A HUGE BIRTHDAY CAKE... FOLLOWED BY MY WIFE, KIDS, AND DOZENS OF
MY FRIENDS AND CO-WORKERS, ALL SINGING "HAPPY BIRTHDAY".

AND I JUST SAT THERE...

ON THE COUCH...

NAKED.

A little boys revenge - a must read

2007-03-05T22:54:00.001-08:00

> A little boy about 12 years old is
> walking down the street dragging a
>
> flattened frog on a string behind him. He came up to the doorstep of
>
> "a house of ill repute" and knocked on the door.
>
>
>
> When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he
>
> wanted.
>
> He said, "I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have
> the
>
> money to buy it, and I'm not leaving until I get it."
>
>
>
> The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in. Once in, she
>
> told him to pick any of the girls he liked. He asked, "Do any of the
>
> girls have any diseases?" Of course the Madam said "No".
> He said, "I
>
> heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making love
>
> with Amber.
>
>
>
> THAT'S the girl I want."
>
>
>
> Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it,
>
> the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right. He headed
>
> down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him. Ten minutes
>
> later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and
>
> headed out the door.
>
>
>
> The Madam stopped him and asked, "Why did you pick the only girl in
>
> the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?
>
>
>
> " He said, "Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my
>
> Parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with
>
> a baby-sitter.
>
>
>
> After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she
>
> just happens to be very fond of cute little boys. She will then get
>
> the disease that I just caught.
>
>
>
> When Mum and Dad get back, Dad will take the baby-sitter home. On
>
> the way, he'll give her one in the car and he'll catch the disease.
>
>
>
> Then when Dad gets home from the baby-sitter's, he and Mum will go to
>
> bed and have sex and Mum will catch it.
>
>
>
> In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the
>
> milk, have a quickie with Mum and catch the disease, and HE'S the
>
> bstard who ran over my FROG!"
>
>

inzy Interview...

2007-03-05T07:17:00.001-08:00

Most Asian cricketers, who are not comfortable in conversing in
English, go prepared for some standard questions that are asked to
them when commentators chat during the awards ceremony.

Inzamam was once asked a different question after Pakistan won the
match, for which he was not prepared.

He always had a standard response to the first question. But this time.....

Tony Greig:

So Inzi, that's fantastic, your wife is pregnant for the second time!

Inzamam:

Bismillah-e-Rehman-e-Rahim! All credit goes to the boys.
Everyone work hard for it, especially Afridi. It was tight situation
when he went in. Without his strokes it not have been possible. He
was pulling the good balls. Also Bob Woolmer keeping close watch on
progress and giving instructions. It's all team effort which pulled us
out of big hole.

Insha Allah, we all will work together as team, put in big effort and
deliver good result all the time.

My Name: "Is TIK"

2007-03-04T23:12:00.001-08:00

I destroy homes, I tear families apart,

take your children, and that's just the start.

I'm more costly than diamonds, more precious than gold,

The sorrow I bring is a sight to behold.

If you need me, remember! I'm easily found,

I live all around you – in schools and in town.

I live with the rich; I live with the poor,

I live down the street, and maybe next door.

I'm made in a lab, but not like you think,

I can be made under the kitchen sink.

In your child's closet, and even in the woods,

If this scares you to death, well it certainly should.

I have many names, but there's one you know best,

I'm sure you've heard of me, my name is crystal meth.

My power is awesome; try me you'll see,

But if you do, you may never break free.

Just try me once and I might let you go,

But try me twice, and I'll own your soul.

When I possess you, you'll steal and you'll lie,

You do what you have to -- just to get high.

The crimes you'll commit for my narcotic charms

Will be worth the pleasure you'll feel in your arms,

(your lungs, and your nose).

You'll lie to your mother; you'll steal from your dad,

When you see their tears, you should feel sad.

But you'll forget your morals and how you were raised,

I'll be your conscience, I'll teach you my ways.

I take kids from parents, and parents from kids,

I turn people from God, and separate friends.

I'll take everything from you, your looks and your pride,

I'll be with you always -- right by your side.

You'll give up everything - your family, your home,

Your friends, your money, then you'll be alone.

I'll take and take, till you have nothing more to give,

When I'm finished with you, you'll be lucky to live.

If you try me be warned - this is no game,

If given the chance, I'll drive you insane.

I'll ravish your body, I'll control your mind,

I'll own you completely; your soul will be mine.

The nightmares I'll give you while lying in bed,

The voices you'll hear, from inside your head.

The sweats, the shakes, the visions you'll see,

I want you to know, these are all gifts from me.

But then it's too late, and you'll know in your heart, That you are mine, and we shall not part.

You'll regret that you tried me, they always do,

But you came to me, not I to you.

You knew this is would happen, many times you were told,

But you challenged my power, and chose to be bold.

You could have said no, and just walked away,

If you could live that day over, now what would you say?

I'll be your master; you will be my slave,

I'll even go with you, when you go to your grave.

Now that you have met me, what will you do?

Will you try me or not? It's all up to you.

I can bring you more misery than words can tell,

Come take my hand, let me lead you to hell.

_______________________________________________

If you care enough, please forward this profound poem and share the deadly outcome of this drug that is killing our young people & even our old.

Remember, this is from the heart of a once beautiful young & innocent girl, someone’s beloved daughter and God’s child. Do not judge, but let her message be a warning to all whom choose to turn their backs on the reality, influences, evil and danger that face our children out there every single day even in the most protective schools and families. Teach them, love them, keep them otherwise occupied with family life and support and nurture their talents, and pray for them – that might give them better focus in life to make the right choices and not be so easily tempted and have opportunities to wander and try dangerous things to be “cool”. Help them become young responsible adults with self-respect and build their self-esteem and courage to say no under group pressure. Listen to them and show interest.

What can be more important to us than our loved ones – do not allow other responsibilities to rob you of you quality time with them!!

Now THAT'S hi-tech!

2007-03-01T03:08:00.001-08:00

Monday, 26 February 2007, 11:43

It's enough to have any blue-blooded, true South African manne frothing at the mouth and queueing overnight outside hi-tech retail shops - a beer launching bar fridge.

According to a blog on USA Today, this amazing invention is a dream come true for dedicated beer lovers. Just ease back into the recliner, remote-control the latest Super 14 match, and have your favourite frostie tossed into your eager mitts.
The revolutionary fridge is controlled by a keyless entry system. Simply press unlock to start the catapult arm rotating, press unlock again when it's aimed at you, and press lock to launch.
The fridge, according to its ingenious inventor, holds a full case of beer, 10 beers in its magazine and 14 in reserve.
Gives new meaning to service delivery, doesn't it?
For pictures and a guide on how to make your own, go to www.duke.edu/~jwc13/beerlauncher.html

SA committed to digital broadcasting

2007-03-01T03:01:00.001-08:00

Monday, 26 February 2007, 11:28

It's official: South Africa is to follow world trends and switch to digital broadcasting as early as next year.

During last week's Cabinet meeting, the decision to switch on digital broadcasting on 1 November 2008, and switch off the analogue signal on 1 November 2008, was approved.
It was also decided to retain enough frequency spectrum for broadcasting purposes to provide for new television channels. These would be for specialised services dedicated to education, health, youth, small to medium enterprises, and sports. Three regional service channels that would cater for three channels each.
A communication campaign will be launched to inform and educate the public about the implications of the analogue-to-digital migration. Meanwhile, the Department of Trade and Industry will interact with television manufacturers and retailers to sensitise them to the conversion.
Also during Wednesday's meeting, Cabinet approved the National Information Society and Development (ISAD) Plan as a framework for building an inclusive information society in South Africa.
A Ministerial ISAD Committee, chaired by the Presidency, will be set up to co-ordinate government activities in this regard, and a partnership forum, the Information Society and Development Intergovernmental Relations Forum (ISADIGRF), has been launched to co-ordinate activities of government and civil society.
Cabinet has also approved a policy and strategy for the implementation of Free and Open Source Software (FOSS) in government.
All new software developed for or by the government will be based on open standards and government will itself migrate current software to FOSS.
This strategy will, among other things, lower administration costs and enhance local IT skills.
By April 2007, a project office will be set up by the Department of Science & Technology, the Council for Scientific & Industrial Research (CSIR) and State Information Technology Agency (SITA) to ensure smooth implementation of FOSS throughout the country.

Crime pays!

2007-02-19T23:08:00.001-08:00

Crime definitely pays!

After I was a victim of crime in 2000, i attended many crime discussions, brain storming and therapy sessions. At each of these discussions the question came up on how to tackle the symptoms of crime. The only question never raised was:

Question: "What is the influence of crime on the S.A. Govt?"

Answer: Crime generates millions and millions of Rand's for the S.A. Govt

Here are the facts:

Example 1:

Take just one million home owners in Gauteng who pay for "armed crime reaction" (not crime prevention) where private security companies react AFTER the crime has taken place - no wonder they never make any arrests!

This service costs on average R250 p.m. Therefore 1 000,000 x R240.00 X 12 months x 14% VAT, generates R403 million in tax revenue for the S.A. Govt!

Example 2:

A car thief steals a R500,000 car and receives between R10,000 and R30,000 for his deed.

The car owner is paid out by insurance and then purchases another similar vehicle, on which he pays 14% VAT of approx R70,000 as a direct result of crime. Who profited the most? The thief or the S.A.Govt?

We must begin with a mechanism whereby the S.A. Govt is forced to reconsider this unconstitutional and immoral practice of profiting from crime!

All South Africans should demand that all payments related to protection of life and property should be VAT free and Tax deductible!

This principle should also apply to replacement of stolen property as well as estate duty. If a person dies as a result of crime we should also demand that estate duty not be paid. How much do you think the S.A. Govt has made out of estate duty from the murders of 1300 South African farmers?

The S.A. Govt likes to compare us to overseas. Well overseas your safety and security is covered by your income tax and is tax deductible!

It is time that South Africans stood together and made the Govt and public aware of the Govt's "income" from crime. In the meantime crime is the goose that lays the golden egg
Is it also not unreasonable to expect victims of violence and hijackings to pay their own medical costs? The Govt should pay for these expenses as well as family counselling for victims!

Come on South Africa, ask the right questions and demand the right answers!

You could just delete this message or you could help make a difference. Send this to everyone you know - now!

VALENTINE'S DAY, ITS ORIGIN

2007-02-14T04:22:00.000-08:00

The story of the Festival of Love (Valentine's Day)
------------------------------------
The Festival of Love was one of the festivals of the pagan Romans, when paganism was the prevalent religion of the Romans more than seventeen centuries ago. In the pagan Roman concept, it was an expression of "spiritual love".

There were myths associated with this pagan festival of the Romans, which persisted with their Christian heirs. Among the most famous of these myths was the Roman belief that Romulus, the founder of Rome, was suckled one day by a she-wolf, which gave him strength and wisdom.

The Romans used to celebrate this event in mid-February each year with a big festival. One of the rituals of this festival was the sacrifice of a dog and a goat. Two strong and muscular youths would smear the blood of the dog and goat onto their bodies, and then they would wash the blood away with milk. After that there would be a great parade, with these two youths at its head, which would go about the streets. The two youths would have pieces of leather with which they would hit everyone who crossed their path. The Roman women would welcome these blows, because they believed that they could prevent or cure infertility.

The connection between Saint Valentine and this festival - Saint Valentine is a name which is given to two of the ancient "martyrs" of the Christian Church. It was said that there were two of them, or that there was only one, who died in Rome as the result of the persecution of the Gothic leader Claudius, c. 296 CE. In 350 CE, a church was built in Rome on the site of the place where he died, to perpetuate his memory.

When the Romans embraced Christianity, they continued to celebrate the Feast of Love, but they changed it from the pagan concept of "spiritual love" to another concept known as the "martyrs of love", represented by Saint Valentine who had advocated love and peace, for which cause he was martyred, according to their claims. It was also called the Feast of Lovers, and Saint Valentine was considered to be the patron saint of lovers.

One of their false beliefs connected with this festival was that the names of girls who had reached marriageable age would be written on small rolls of paper and placed in a dish on a table. Then the young men who wanted to get married would be called, and each of them would pick a piece of paper. He would put himself at the service of the girl whose name he had drawn for one year, so that they could find out about one another. Then they would get married, or they would repeat the same process again on the day of the festival in the following year.

The Christian clergy reacted against this tradition, which they considered to have a corrupting influence on the morals of young men and women. It was abolished in Italy, where it had been well-known, then it was revived in the eighteenth and nineteenth centuries, when in some western countries there appeared shops which sold small books called "Valentine's books", which contained love poems, from which the one who wanted to send a greeting to his sweetheart could choose. They also contained suggestions for writing love letters.

It was also said concerning the origins of this holiday that when the Romans became Christian, after Christianity had become widespread, the Roman emperor Claudius II decreed in the third century CE that soldiers should not get married, because marriage would distract them from the wars they used to fight. This decree was opposed by Saint Valentine, who started to perform marriages for the soldiers in secret. When the emperor found out about that, he threw him in jail and sentenced him to execution.

In prison, he (Saint Valentine) fell in love with the jailer's daughter, but this was a secret because according to Christian laws, priests and monks were forbidden to marry or fall in love. But he is still regarded highly by the Christians because of his steadfastness in adhering to Christianity when the emperor offered to pardon him if he forsook Christianity and worshipped the Roman gods; then he would be one of his closest confidantes and he would make him his son-in-law. But Valentine refused this offer and preferred Christianity, so he was executed on 14 February 270 CE, on the eve of February 15, the festival of Lupercalis. So this day was named for this saint.

Today, Valentine's Day has become commercialized a mere money-making opportunity. Prohibition of imitating pagan ways is one of the basic principles of Shariah. Allah has made Islam cover all (human) interests at all times and in all places and for all people. So there is no need to adopt the ways of pagans or imitate them.

Expression of feelings and emotions is not a justification for the Muslim to allocate a day for celebration based on his own thoughts and ideas, and to call it a festival, or make it like a festival or Eid. In Islam, a husband loves his wife throughout the year, and he expresses that love towards her with gifts, in verse and in prose, in letters and in other ways, throughout the years – not just on one day of the year.

Love in Islam is more general and more comprehensive; it is not restricted only to one kind of love, that between a man and a woman. There are many more kinds of love. There is the love of Allah, love of His Messenger Sallallahu Alayhi Wasallam and his companions RA, love for good and righteous people, love and support for the religion. There are many kinds of love. It is a dangerous mistake to restrict this broad meaning to just one kind of love.

Us South Africans - Positive Outlook

2007-02-12T01:34:00.000-08:00

Here is something interesting; it is a speech by Guy Lundy of Dimension Data Business Solutions:

Below is a speech I gave the other night. It went down so well with the audience that a number of people asked me for copies of it. So I thought I may as well share it with other people too so they can spread the message,
especially those living overseas and those who care about spreading a positive message about South Africa.
"I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America and to the Republic for which it stands, one nation under God, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all."
Many years ago I was an exchange student in the USA, and every morning in my school, as in all schools across America, all classes came to a halt as the Pledge of Allegiance came over the loudspeaker system and every student stood to repeat these words.
I was quite amazed by this display of daily brainwashing in so-called "land of the free". But in hindsight it isn't actually that amazing, because we've all experienced how Americans are just so proud to be American. No
matter how big their problems, and heaven knows they've got a lot of them, Americans will still spend hours telling you how fantastic their country is, and in fact, how it is better than, pretty much anywhere else in the world.
What a contrast then, when I later spent a few years in London and I ended up actively avoiding other South Africans. Why? Because frankly their negativity about our homeland irritated me so much! These people who will gladly put new South African flags on their cars and support a whole cottage industry importing biltong and NikNaks to munch on as they cheer on the Springboks at Twickenham, will spend hours telling anyone who will listen just how awful it is in South Africa, how lucky they are to be in London and how they are never going back because it's in such a mess. At the time I put it down to the fact that they were justifying why they were
holed up in their dingy little flats under grey London skies while their friends and family enjoyed the sunshine on Camps Bay beach. However, when I came home, expecting to be greeted by the smiles of new South Africans
everywhere, I was very disappointed to find that exactly the same attitude is pervasive right here. The number of people, who asked me why I came back here and why on earth I had brought my French wife with me, simply amazed me. I would have thought the answer was perfectly obvious.
I was later very disturbed, although not surprised, to hear that our president found it necessary to make a point to South African businessmen that they should stop running down their own country on overseas business trips. Can anyone tell me what it is that makes sense about running down your own home to foreign people that you would like to visit here and invest here?
It seems to me like inviting your boss to dinner at your house in the hope of getting a promotion but discouraging him from coming because you're a terrible cook and your dog bites. Yes, we have problems, but so does everybody else. Sure, the Rand is down the toilet, but if you look closely enough, you'll see that just about every other emerging market country has suffered from the same woes - and that includes Australia and New Zealand,
which everyone seems in such a rush to get to. And aren't we lucky that we aren't living in Argentina with their currency crisis? Sure, our neighbour, Zimbabwe, is run by a mad, despotic fool, but man am I glad that I'm not a
Pakistani. We have AIDS and we also have an army of people trying to find a cure for it * possibly more vigorously than anywhere else since we have the most to lose from it. We do have corruption, and the Americans have George W. Bush, whether they like it or not. We've got all sorts of problems, yes, but must we be so hard on ourselves? In many ways we are far better off in South Africa as a whole than we have been at any time in our history.
Our people are getting educated and housed at a world-beating rate, we have amongst the world's cheapest electricity, our inflation is the lowest it's been in my lifetime, we have an economic growth rate and there is development everywhere you look.
We have so much going for us; we have so many good people, such an interesting mix of cultures; we have so much beautiful countryside and natural resources that we can draw from - we really have such a bright future ahead of us. Let us concentrate on the positive things that surround us every day, the sunshine, the people, the beauty, and the progress. Constantly criticising our country can only do harm for you personally, your personal feeling of happiness and well-being and for the country that you know from the bottom of your heart that you love, otherwise you wouldn't be here.
Ladies and Gentlemen, I implore you, do not run down South Africa, neither at home nor overseas. Become ambassadors for your country. Welcome foreign guests and point out how far we have come and how far we're going to go how they need to watch out for us on the world stage. And if you're overseas on business or holiday (if you can afford it), tell people how much South Africa has going for it and invite them to come and see for themselves.
I have devised my own pledge of allegiance and I'd like to repeat it to you now : "I pledge allegiance to the flag of the Republic of South Africa and to the interesting people, places and idiosyncrasies for which it stands, one nation under several religions, languages and cultures, yet indivisible, with freedom, basic needs and progress for all."
That is my pledge of allegiance to my home, our home. I pledge to help others see what is so good about it.
Our Beloved Country!!! South Africa, almost alone amongst emerging market economies, is set to escape virtually unscathed from the latest bout of investor panic sweeping the developing world's fragile economies (The Times, London, August 2001)
The SA banking sector has been consistently ranked in the top 10 in terms of competitiveness (MD, Switzerland). When Nelson Mandela was inaugurated President in 1994, SA was insolvent (liabilities exceeded assets).
Today the Government's deficit is negligible - one of only a handful of countries in this position. We've had single digit inflation since 1993 - following 20 years of double-digit inflation.
Mortgage rates are at their lowest level since 1988. South Africa is one of only 12 countries, where we can drink water from a tap. Our tap water was found to be the 3rd best quality in the entire world.
Remember 15 years ago, in 1986: A state of emergency was declared White men did two years compulsory military service * 64 184 black people were removed from "white areas" * 3989 people were detained without trial * Our economic growth rate was 0.7 percent - today it is 3% * 64 countries had sports boycotts against SA!!!
South African wines win international awards every year and we have the longest wine route in the world. Nelson Mandela, an international icon of forgiveness, tolerance, and humanity is our favourite son. The Kruger Park has the most innovative management of a national park anywhere in the world - and is the world's most profitable game park. Eskom is the largest producer of coal-fired electricity in the world and South Africans pay the least for electricity in the world. South African Breweries is the 4th largest brewer in the world and produces over 50% of China's beer!
Mercedes Benz C Class, BMW 3 Series and VW Golf/Jetta vehicles for all right-hand drive markets throughout the world are produced in South Africa. Didata grew from a local IT service provider into a huge, global networking company with branches in 30 countries. The Cape Peninsula has more species
of plants here per hectare than any other area of the world.
Magnificent highways, warm, friendly, vibrant rainbow people! The world's most progressive Constitution Kreepy Kraulies - a South African invention - Mrs Ball's chutney and biltong. The world's best looking population.
"For every guy who holds up a gun, there are 99 who hold out a hand of friendship" - Dennis Beckett, journalist.
This is something I've never done, but after reading this, all I ask from you is to send this on, to your friends, family and others. Let us in this way deal with our negatives and let us try to be positive. By being
positive we can continue to go far in life and we can all strive for a better and more positive life and country.
Regards to you all, peace, and positive thinking - that's the way to go!

Second Opinion

2007-02-07T23:36:00.001-08:00

The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.
As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person.
He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need... a new suit. That'll make me feel a little better."
He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit.
The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... Size 44 long."
Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years!" the tailor said.
Joe tried on the suit... it fitted perfectly.
As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"
Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."
The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck."
Joe was surprised. "That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years." Joe tried on the shirt and it fitted perfectly.
Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked," How about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a moment and said," Sure."
The salesman said, "Let's see... size 36."
Joe laughed, "Ah ha! I got you, I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old."
The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."
New suit - ?400
New shirt - ?36
New underwear - ?10
Second Opinion - PRICELESS

Chuck Norris in IT

2007-02-07T23:29:00.001-08:00

1. Chuck Norris invented C++ after roundhouse kicking C - TWICE

2. Chuck Norris is the Domain controller

3. Chuck Norris has the IP 0.0.0.0

4. Chuck Norris can ping 256.256.256.256 and get a reply.

5. Chuck Norris can hack into ANY bank with his palmtop.

6. Chuck Norris' computer boots into Windows XP Pro even though only DOS 2 is installed.

7. Chuck Norris' email address is ChuckNorris. He IS the internet domain.

8. Chuck Norris is mailer-daemon

9. Chuck Norris is Dr Watson

10. format c: is the request to have Chuck Norris come roundhouse kick your PC

11. Chuck Norris has Windows XP on his Apple MAC

12. Chuck Norris never gets the page cannot be displayed error

13. Machine code is another name for Chuck Norris language

14. Chuck Norris CPU doesn't have a fan

15. Chuck Norris can write DVDs on floppy drive

16. Chuck Norris invented the internet

17. Chuck Norris can paste pics in Notepad

18. Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked his 14400k modem & thats how we got ADSL

19. Chuck Norris's Dot matrix printer prints photos - in colour

20. Chuck Norris uses Notepad as a database

21 Chuck Norris' PC speaker gives him 7.1 DTS surround sound

22. Chuck Norris monitor has no glare...no-one glares at Chuck Norris

23. Chuck Norris can edit PDF files

24. Chuck Norris rips CDs with his hands

25. Chuck Norris can download Metallica mp3s using Naspter

26. Chuck Norris has a yahoo account with hotmail

27. Chuck Norris has an Intel CPU on an AMD motherboard

28. Chuck Norris can program a MAC with excel macros

29. Chuck Norris website has never had a hit - Nobody hits Chuck Norris' website

The value of a woman in Islam & 6 gems to live by

2007-02-06T23:47:00.001-08:00

This couldn't be said more beautifully....

Be careful if you make a woman cry,

because Allah counts her tears

A woman came out of a man’s rib,

not from his feet to be walked on, not from his head to be superior

over, but from his side to be equal Under the arm to be protected and

next to the heart to be loved.

Pass this on to all exceptional women that you know...And to men too

so they know the value of a woman in Islam!

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Here are six beautiful gems for every muslim to live by.

1. Imaan, Every muslim should strive for perfect Imaan.

2. Salaah, Salaah should be given preference over all matters.

3. Zikr, We should remember the Almighty with every breath we take.

4. Ikraam, A muslim should always be ready to assist a fellow muslim

at all costs.

5. Ikhlaas, Anything we do, we do for Allah alone.

6. Dawah illal-laah, Always show those around you the beauty of our

deen.

PASS THIS MESSAGE ON. IF YOU DO NOT, NOTHING WILL BEFALL YOU.

BUT IF YOU DO - YOU MAY HAVE BROUGHT SOMEONE CLOSER TO HIS CREATOR.

Suncoast Casino security issues!

2007-02-05T03:39:00.000-08:00

Yesterday at about 14h00 my bag which contained some towels, a cellphone & my car keys was stolen from the sundeck at Suncoast Casino, right under our noses. We pay R5 pp to enter a so called "Safe" swimming area which is meant to have security guards at all times controlling access to the sundeck but instead it appears that the guards duty ends at the point that he collects the money from you. Access to the beach was completely unguarded & the security that collects the entrance fee was busy making out with his chick under a tree near the entrance. There is no camera dedicated for this particular area.
Apart from the use of umbrellas, what are we paying for?

CONSULTANT

2007-02-05T03:37:00.001-08:00

A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.

The driver, a young man in an Armani suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the shepherd, "If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?"

The shepherd looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing flock and calmly answers, "Sure. Why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his AT&T cell phone, surfs to a NASA page on the internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with hundreds of complex formulas. He uploads all of this data via an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the shepherd and says, â€œYou have exactly 1,586 sheep.â€

â€œThatâ€™s right. Well, I guess you can take one of my sheep.â€ says the shepherd. He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then the shepherd says to the young man, â€œHey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my sheep? â€œ

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, â€œOkay, why not?â€

â€œYouâ€™re a consultant.â€ says the shepherd.

â€œWow! Thatâ€™s correct,â€ says the yuppie, â€œbut how did you guess that?â€

â€œNo guessing required.â€ answered the shepherd. â€œYou showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked; and you donâ€™t know crap about my business..."

"...Now give me back my dog!"

Nadias Story - Told thorugh her tears

2007-02-03T04:42:00.000-08:00

Nadia's Story Told Through Her Tears: The Americans Have Raped Me Like This! Jan 29, 2007

This article is dedicated to every Muslim who still has blood running in his veins.

Nadia is one of the victims of the American mercenaries in Abu Ghraib prison. She was detained for unknown reasons. When she was released from the prison, didn't throw herself into the arms of her family as most of the oppressed prisoners released have done dose, especially when he is being fuelled by the fire of the oppression and a yearning for his family.

Simply, Nadia escaped immediately after she left prison, not because of the shame that will follow her because of some crime she has committed but because of what she and the other Iraqi captive women have been subject to; rape, and torture by the hands of the American mercenaries in Abu Gharib prison. The walls of the prison tell many tragic stories but what Nadia tells is the living truth and a living hell.

Nadia begins her story:

I was visiting one of my relatives, and suddenly the American forces attacked the home and started to inspect it. They found some light weapons.

So, they arrested all people in the home including me. I tried to explain to the interpreter, who was accompanying the American patrol, that I am just a visitor. However, my trials failed.

I cried, begged them, and I lost consciousness from fear when they took me to Abu Gharib prison.

Nadia continues they put me alone in a dark and dirty prison cell. I expected that I will be released soon, especially when the investigation proved that I hadn't committed a crime

Nadia elaborated while tears poured down her cheek, a telling sign of just how much she has suffered.

The first day was so burdensome. The cell was malodorous, humid and dark, and this condition increased the fear inside me more and more.

The laughs of the soldier outside the cell made me even more scared.
I was afraid of what would happen to me. For the first time I felt that I was in a difficult gridlock and that I had entered an unknown world that I would not get out of.

In the middle of these different feelings, I heard a voice for an American soldier woman who was speaking in an Arabic language. She said to me: I didn't imagine that the weapons traders in are women. When I started to explain to her the circumstances of the situation, she beat me cruelly. I cried and shouted By Allah! I am oppressed, By Allah! I am oppressed

The soldier showered me with insults in a way that I have never thought possible or that I would ever be subjected to under any circumstances.

Then, she started to deride me saying that she was monitoring me all the day via the satellite, and that they can track their enemies even inside their own bedrooms by American technology.

Then she laughed and said: I was watching you when you were making love with your husband. I replied in a confused voice But I am not married.

She beat me for more than one an hour and she forced me to drink a glass of water, and I knew later that they put a drug in it. I regained my consciousness after two days to find myself naked. I knew immediately that I have lost something that all the laws in the earth will not be able to return it to me once again. I had been raped. A hysterical fit attacked me and I started to hit my head violently against the walls till more than five American soldiers head by that soldier women entered the cell and started to beat me, and they raped me alternately while they laughing and listening to a loud music.

Day by day the scenario of raping me was repeated. And every day they invent new ways that are crueller than the prior ways.

She went on describing the horrible acts of the American criminals:

After about one month, a Negro soldier entered my cell and threw me two pieces of American military clothes. He said in weak Arabic language to wear them. After he put a black bag on my head, he led me to a public toilet where there are pipes for cold and hot water and he asked me to bathe. He then closed the door and left.

I was so exhausted and feeling pain, and despite the tremendous number of the bruises in my body, I poured out some water on my body.

Before I finish my bath, the Negro soldier came in. I frightened, and I hit him in the face with the water bowl. His reaction was so tough.

He raped me cruelly and spit on my face, then he left and returned with two soldiers who returned me to the cell.

The treatment continued that way, to the extent that sometimes I was raped ten times in a day, the matter which affected my health negatively.

Nadia continued in revealing the American horrible actions made against the Iraqi women, saying:

After more than 4 months, a woman soldier woman came, and I concluded from her conversation with other soldiers that her name is Mary. She said to me now you have a golden opportunity, since an officer who has a high position will visit us today, if you deal with him positively, you would be released, especially because we are sure you are innocent.

I replied, If you are sure of I am innocent, why you don't release me?

She screamed in nervousness, The only way that guarantees your releasing is to be positive with them.

She took me to the public toilets, and she supervised my bath while she was holding a thick stick, hitting me by it if I didn't perform her orders.

Then, she gave me makeup, and warned me not to cry and ruin my makeup. Then she took me to an empty small room where there was nothing but a cover on the floor, and after one an hour she came accompanied with four soldiers who was holding cameras. She took off her clothes and she harassed me as if she was a man. The soldiers were laughing and listening to a noisy music, and taking photographs to me in all poses, and they were emphasizing on my face.

The woman asked me to smile otherwise she is going to kill me, and she took a gun from one of her colleagues and fired four bullets near my head, and swore that the fifth bullet will be fired in my head.

After that, the four soldiers raped me alternately the matter which made me lose my consciousness. When I regained the consciousness I found myself in the cell and the traces of their teeth, nails and cigarettes are in everywhere in my body.

Nadia stopped narrating her tragedy to wipe her tears, then she
continued: After one day Mary came and told me that I was cooperative, and I will be released but after I watch the film that they have shot. I was in pain when I saw the film, and she (Mary)

said: you have been created for the sole purpose for us to enjoy.
At the moment I became very anger and I attacked her although I was afraid of her reaction, and I would kill her except for the interfering of the soldiers. When the soldiers released me she showered me with hitting, then they left me.

After this incident, nobody harassed me for more then one month; I spent that period in the praying and invocation to Allah, the All-Mighty who has all power, to help me.

Mary came with some soldiers who gave me the clothes that I was wearing when they arrested me and took me to an American car. Then they threw me on the highway road after giving me 10,000 Iraqi Dinars.

I went to a home that was near the place where I have been thrown out and since I know the reaction of my family, I preferred to visit one of my relatives to let them know what happened after my absence. I knew that my brother had held a consolation board for me for more than 4 months, and they considered me as a dead person.

I understand the knife of shame is waiting for me. So, I went to

Baghdad where I found a good family who lodged me, and I worked with this family as a maid and governess for their children.

Nadia wonders in pain, regret and bitterness:

Who will quench my thirst? Who will return my virginity? What is the offence of my family and kin? I have inside me a baby, and I don't know who his father is.

And she ends her story here.

Did rape Nadia or did they rape every man and woman in the Ummah?
Nadia is me and you, your wife and my wife, your sister and my sister, your mother and my mother. Oh Islam's Sanctity! Oh our Islam!

Violent Fighting Underway In Baghdad As The Battle For The Caliphate Unfolds Jan 29, 2007

If we can read this and still feel nothing we need to question our Imaan.
The Americans and their allies shall pay! Indeed they shall pay!

THE DOCTORS OFFICE

2007-02-03T04:28:00.001-08:00

This is so true! They always ask at the doctor's office why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong and sometimes it is embarrassing. There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room
full of other patients.

I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.

An 86 year old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.....

The Receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?" "There's something wrong with my dick", he replied. The Receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that."

"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said. The Receptionist replied; " Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private."

The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone." The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.

The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes??"
"There's something wrong with my ear", he stated.
The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir??"

"I can't piss out of it," he replied.
The waiting room erupted in laughter.

How divorce happens

2007-02-01T05:19:00.001-08:00

A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife looks over at him and asks the question....

WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"

HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"

WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"

HUSBAND: "Of course I do."

WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"

HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."

WIFE: "You would?" (With a hurt look)

HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)

WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"

HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."

WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"

HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"

WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"

HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."

WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"

HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."

WIFE: "Would you give her my jewellery?"

HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."

WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?"

HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."

WIFE: -- silence --

HUSBAND: "sh*t."

SA presidential IQ test

2007-01-31T23:04:00.000-08:00

President Mbeki meets with the Queen of England. He asks her, "Your
Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips
you can give to me?"

"Well," says the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround
yourself with intelligent people."

President Mbeki frowns. "But how do I know the people around me
are really intelligent?"

The Queen takes a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy. You just ask
them to answer an intelligence riddle."

The Queen pushes a button on her intercom. "Please send Tony
Blair in here, would you?"

Tony Blair walks into the room. "Yes, my Queen?"

The Queen smiles. "Answer me this, please, Tony. Your mother and
father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who
is it?"
Without pausing for a moment, Tony Blair answers, "That would be
me."

"Yes! Very good," says the Queen.

Back in Cape town, President Mbeki asks to speak with vice
president Zuma.
"Answer this for me. Your mother and your Father have a child.
It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"

"I'm not sure," says the vice president. "Let me get back to you
on that one."

Zuma goes to his advisors and asks every one, but none can give
him an answer. Finally, he ends up at the V&A Waterfront and bumps into
Evita Bezuidenhout. Zuma looks around to see if anyone can overhear then
whispers, "Evita! Can you answer this for me? Your mother and
father have a child and it's not your brother! or your sister.
Who is it?"

Evita whispers back, "That's easy. It's me!"

Zuma smiles and says "Thanks!"

Zuma goes back to Parliament to speak with Pres Mbeki. "Say, I
did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's Evita
Bezuidenhuit."

Mbeki gets up, stomps over to Zuma, and angrily yells into his
face,
"No, you idiot! It's Tony Blair!

Guide on How to Keep a Girl

2007-01-31T02:22:00.001-08:00

1. When she asks how she looks, shrug and say "could be better." This will keep her on her toes, and girls love that.

2. Never hold her hand. This can be interpreted as a sign of weakness. If she grabs your hand, squeeze hers really hard until she cries (this
will impress her by showing her what a strong man you are).

3. Once a month, sneak up on her from behind and knock her over. Girls are like dogs; they love to be roughed up.

4. Call her in the middle of the night to ask if she's sleeping. If
she is, say "you better be." Repeat this 4 or 5 times until morning. This will show her you care.

5. When she is upset about something, suggest to her that it might be her fault. This will pave the way for her own personal improvement, and every girl needs some improvement.

6. Recognize the small things, as they usually mean the most. Then when she's sleeping, steal all her small things and break them, because jewellery is for wussies.

7. If you're talking to another girl, make sure she's looking. When she is, stare into her eyes, mouth the words "F__ you" and grab the other girl's ass. Girls love competition.

8. Tell her you're taking her out to dinner. Drive for miles so she thinks it's going to be really special. Then take her to a burning tire yard. When she starts to get upset, tell her you were just kidding and now you're really going to take her to dinner. Then drive her home. When she starts crying and asks why you would do something like that, lean over and whisper very quietly into her ear "...because I can."

9. Introduce her to your friends as "some chick." Women love those special nicknames.

10. Play with her hair. Play with it HARD.

11. Warm her up when she's cold...and not by giving her your jacket, because then you might get cold. Rather, look her in the eye and say "if you don't stop bitching about the cold right now, you're going to be bitching about a black eye." The best way to get warm is with fear.

12. Take her to a party. When you get there, she'll have to go to the bathroom (they always do). Leave immediately. Come back right when the party is dying and yell at her the whole way home for ditching you all night.

13. Make her laugh. A good way to do this is if she has a small pet. Kick the pet. I always find stuff like that funny...why shouldn't girls?

14. Let her fall asleep in your arms. When she's fast asleep, wait 10 minutes, then jump up and scream in her ear. Repeat until she goes home and you can use your arms for more important things (like basketball).

15. Spit often. I hear girls like guys that spit.

16. If you care about her, never ever tell her. This will only give her self-confidence, then you can never turn her into the object she deep down desires to be.

17. Every time you're in her house, steal one of her shoes, earrings or anything else that comes in pairs. Only take one of the pair. This way, she'll go crazy.

18. Take her out to dinner. Right when she's about to order, interrupt and say "no, she's not hungry." Make her watch you eat. Girls love a guy that speaks for her.

19. Look her in the eyes and smile. Then punch her in the face. Girls love a spontaneous guy.

20. Give her one of your t-shirts, and make sure it has your smell on it (but not a sexy cologne smell...a bad smell. You know what I'm talking about).

21. When it's raining, keep asking her if she's crying. She'll say
"no, it's just the rain." Ten minutes later, turn to her and just scream at her to stop crying. Girls like a tough man.

22. T*tty twisters and plenty of them.

23. If you're listening to music, and she asks to hear it, tell her
no. This way she'll think you're mysterious.

24. Remember her birthday, but don't get her anything. Teach her that material objects aren't important. The only thing that's important is that she keeps you happy, and your happiness is the greatest present she can ever get.

25. When she gives you a present on your birthday, Christmas or just whenever, take it and tell her you love it. Then, next time you know she's coming over on a trash day, leave the trash can open and have the present visibly sticking out of the can. Girls actually don't like this one that much, but I think it's funny.

26. If she's mad at you for not calling her when you say you will, promise her that you will call her at a certain time of the day. This will make sure that she waits by the phone. Tell her when you call that you're going to tell her a special surprise. Now she'll be really excited. Don't call.

2007-01-25T00:34:00.001-08:00

PASTOR'S ASS

2007-01-23T23:45:00.001-08:00

The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.
The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again,
and it won again.
The local paper read: PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor
not to enter the donkey in another race.
The next day, the local paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.
This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the
donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.
The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next
day: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.
The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the
donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.
The next day the paper read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10
This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey
and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.
The next day the headlines read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE
The bishop was buried the next day.
The moral of the story is....being concerned about
public opinion can bring you much grief and misery...and even shorten your life.

So be yourself and enjoy life... Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and
you'll be a lot happier and live longer

The Parable Of The Spoons

2007-01-15T23:17:00.000-08:00

A holy man was having a conversation with the Lord one day and said,"Lord, can you please explain the difference between Heaven and Hellto me?"The Lord led the holy man to two doors. He opened one of the doors andthe holy man looked in.In the middle of the room was a large round table. In the middle ofthe table was a large pot of stew which smelled delicious and made theholy man's mouth water.The people sitting around the table were thin and sickly. Theyappeared to be famished. They were holding spoons with very longhandles and each found it possible to reach into the pot of stew andtake a spoonful, but because the handle was longer than their arms,they could not get the spoons back into their mouths.The holy man shuddered at the sight of their misery and suffering. TheLord said, "You have seen Hell."They went to the next room and opened the door. It was exactly thesame as the first one. There was the large round table with the largepot of stew which made the holy man's mouth water.The people were equipped with the same long-handled spoons, but herethe people were well nourished and plump, laughing and talking. Theholy man said, "I don't understand."It is simple" said the Lord, "it requires but one skill. You see, theyhave learned to feed each other while the greedy think only ofthemselves. "You have seen Heaven."

Indian man sends 182,689 SMS messages in one month

2007-01-11T06:32:00.000-08:00

File this under asinine and absurd along with the cellphone throwing contest: Deepak Sharma went on record with the Guinness Book for having sent the most SMS messages in a single month: 182,689. We're not sure if that's total, or unique messages, but if you'd like us to break that down for you, that's about 6,100 messages a day, 253 an hour, 4.2 a minute, or a new one every 14 seconds or so. So basically this guy gave up a month of his life sending texts—way to go, dude. His other reward? A 1,411 page bill (don't worry, he has an unlimited texting plan)—compare that to, say, Joyce's Ulysses (speaking of Guinness books… aw come on!), which is a mere 780 some-odd pages, though every bit as difficult to read through

If you do not upload the images again I might have to contact my lawyer!

2007-01-11T06:24:00.000-08:00

The mysterious color that lets you see videos!!!

2007-01-08T06:38:00.000-08:00

I was just fooling around on my computer and I came across a strange color. Whenever you have a video playing in Windows Media Player, this color will become transparent no matter what program you are in, and let you see through to the video. You probably don't understand what I am talking about. Let me give you a few examples. Don't close your browser right now, because this REALLY WORKS!

Example 1: (Paint)
Open up paint. Click colors > edit colors > define custom colors. Then type these color values and click OK....

Now play a video in Windows Media Player and have it take up a large portion of the screen. Switch back into paint without minimizing WMP. Now take any tool in paint and start drawing. You will see your video playing whereever you drew.

Example 3: (Photoshop)
Open up Photoshop and do the same thing you did in example 2, but type these values into the color picker:

T o d a y 's Q u o t e

2007-01-08T04:59:00.000-08:00

________________________

"Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not the
color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end"
- Jerry Seinfeld

90-year-old man!

2007-01-02T03:45:00.001-08:00

A 90-year-old man was having his annual checkup. The doctor asked him
how he was feeling.

"I've never been better," the old man replied. "I've got an
eighteen-year-old bride who's pregnant & delivered a child.

What is your opinion about that, Doc?" the old man asked.

The doctor thought for a moment, then said, "Well, let me tell you a
story.
I know a guy who is a hunter. He never misses a season for hunting.
But, one day he's in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabs his
umbrella instead of his gun.
The doctor continued, "So he's walking in the woods near a creek, and
suddenly he spots a lion in some bush in front of him. He raises up
his
umbrella, points it at the lion and squeezes the handle.

BAM! The lion drops dead in front of him."

"That's impossible!" said the old man in disbelief. Someone else must
have shot that lion."

"Exactly"... Said the Doc

Indian Letter

2007-01-01T23:43:00.000-08:00

My dear Jagjit.

I am in a well here and hoping you are also in a well there. I'm writing
this letter slowly, because I know you cannot read fast.

We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the
newspaper that most accidents happen 20 miles from home, so we moved 20
miles.

I won't be able to send the address as the last Sardar who stayed here
took the house numbers with them for their new house so they would not
have to change their address. Hopefully by next week we will be able to
take our earlier address plate here, so that our address will remain
same too. This place is really nice.

It even has a washing machine, situated right above the toilet. I'm not
sure it works too well. Last week I put in 3 shirts, pulled the chain
and haven't seen them since.

The weather here isn't too bad. It rained only twice last week. The
first time it rained for 3 days and second time for 4 days.

The coat you wanted me to send you, your Aunt said it would be a little
too heavy to send in the mail with all the metal buttons, so we cut them
off and put them in the pocket.

Your father has another job. He has 500 men under him. He is cutting the
grass at the cemetery. By the way I took Bahu to our club's poolside.
The manager is Badmash. He told her that two piece swimming suit is not
allowed in his club. We were confused as to which piece should we
remove? Your sister had a baby this morning. I haven't found out whether
it is a girl or a boy, so I don't know whether you are an Aunt or Uncle.

Your uncle, Jetinder fell in the nearby well. Some men tried to pull him
out, but he fought them off bravely and drowned. We cremated him and he
burned for three days.

Your best friend, Balwinder, is no more. He died trying to fulfill his
father's last wishes. His father had wished to be buried in the sea
after he died. And your friend died while in the process of digging a
grave for his father.

There isn't much more news this time. Nothing much has happened.Love
Mom.

P.S : Jagjit, I was going to send you some money but by the time I
realized, I had already sealed off this letter.

I hope this covers my butt for the year

2006-12-21T08:43:00.000-08:00

Have a nice day
Good Luck
Happy Mother's Day
Happy Columbus Day
St. Patrick's Day
Presidents' Day
Grandparents' Day
Labor Day
Father's Day
April Fool's Day
Memorial Day
Happy Halloween
Flag Day
Passover
Hanukkah
Happy Anniversary
Election Day
Happy Armed Forces Day
And so on....
And so on....
Now I am set for the year!
Just to be sure...
Happy Everything:)

Laws Newton forgot

2006-12-20T22:22:00.000-08:00

LAW OF QUEUE: If you change queues, the one you have left will start to move faster than the one you are in now.
LAW OF TELEPHONE: When you dial a wrong number, you never get an engaged one.
LAW OF MECHANICAL REPAIR: After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.
LAW OF THE WORKSHOP: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner. LAW OF THE ALIBI: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tyre, the next morning you will have a flat tyre.
BATH THEOREM: When the body is immersed in water, the telephone rings.
LAW OF ENCOUNTERS: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
LAW OF THE RESULT: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will! LAW OF BIOMECHANICS: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach. THEATRE RULE: People with the seats at the furthest from the aisle arrive last.
LAW OF COFFEE: As soon as you sit down for a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold

" THE SECRET OF SUCCESS IS CONSTANCY TO PURPOSE "

Suicide? Or Murder? Or Suicide?

2006-12-15T01:28:00.001-08:00

At the 1994 annual awards dinner given for Forensic Science, AAFS president Dr. Don Harper Mills astounded his audience with the legal complications of a bizarre death. Here is the story:

On March 23, 1994, the medical examiner viewed the body of Ronald Opus and concluded that he died from a shotgun wound to the head. The decedent had jumped from the top of a ten-story building intending to commit suicide.

He left a note to that effect indicating his despondency. As he fell past the ninth floor, his life was interrupted by a shotgun blast passing through a window, which killed him instantly. Neither the shooter nor the decedent was aware that a safety net had been installed just below at the eighth floor level to protect some building workers and that Ronald Opus would not have been able to complete his suicide the way he had planned.

Ordinarily, Dr. Mills continued, "a person who sets out to commit suicide and ultimately succeeds, even though the mechanism might not be what he intended" is still defined as committing suicide. Mr. Opus was shot on the way to certain death nine stories below at street level, but his suicide attempt probably would not have been successful because of the safety net. This caused the medical examiner to feel that he had a homicide on his hands.

The room on the ninth floor from whence the shotgun blast emanated was occupied by an elderly man and his wife. They were arguing vigorously, and he was threatening her with a shotgun. The man was so upset that when he pulled the trigger he completely missed his wife and the pellets went through the window striking Mr. Opus.

When one intends to kill subject A, but kills subject B in the attempt, one is guilty of the murder of subject B. When confronted with the murder charge, the old man and his wife were both adamant. They both said they thought the shotgun was unloaded. The old man said it was his long standing habit to threaten his wife with the unloaded shotgun. He had no intention to murder her. Therefore the killing of Mr. Opus appeared to be an accident, that is, the gun had been accidentally loaded.

The continuing investigation turned up a witness who saw the old couple's son loading the shotgun about six weeks prior to the fatal accident. It transpired that the old lady had cut off her son's financial support and the son, knowing the propensity of his father to use the shotgun threateningly, loaded the gun with the expectation that his father would shoot his mother.

The case now becomes one of murder on the part of the son for the death of Ronald Opus.

Now comes the exquisite twist. Further investigation revealed that the son was in fact Ronald Opus. He had become increasingly despondent over both the loss of his financial support and the failure of his attempt to engineer his mother's murder. This led him to jump off the ten-story building on March 23rd, only to be killed by a shotgun blast passing through the ninth-story window. The son had actually murdered himself, so the medical examiner closed the case as a suicide.

The power of the Human Mind

2006-12-11T00:37:00.001-08:00

Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn’t mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a toatl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.

The story of the Rolo, oops I meant Polo 1.9 TDI

2006-12-05T06:19:00.000-08:00

27th April 2006

1 December 2006
Redesigned

Words of wisdom

2006-11-30T23:33:00.001-08:00

"I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody." - Bill Cosby

What is PageRank?

2006-11-30T08:14:00.001-08:00

By Phil Craven

PageRank is a numeric value that represents how important a page is on the web. Google figures that when one page links to another page, it is effectively casting a vote for the other page. The more votes that are cast for a page, the more important the page must be. Also, the importance of the page that is casting the vote determines how important the vote itself is. Google calculates a page's importance from the votes cast for it. How important each vote is is taken into account when a page's PageRank is calculated.
PageRank is Google's way of deciding a page's importance. It matters because it is one of the factors that determines a page's ranking in the search results. It isn't the only factor that Google uses to rank pages, but it is an important one.

Quote for the day

2006-11-27T23:30:00.000-08:00

Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level & beat you with experience!

Chain Letter, Response

2006-11-27T05:03:00.001-08:00

Hello, Everybody,

I suffer from the guilt of not forwarding 50 billion f***ing chain letters sent to me by people who actually believe that if you send them on, a poor 6-year-old girl in Arkansas with a breast on her forehead will be able to raise enough money to have it removed before her redneck parents sell her to a travelling freak show.

Do you honestly believe that Bill Gates is going to give you, and
everyone to whom you send "his" email, $1000? How stupid are we?

"Ooooh, looky here! If I scroll down this page and make a wish,
I'll get laid by every good looking model in the magazine!" What a bunch of
bulls**t. Maybe the evil chain letter leprechauns will come into
my house and sodomize me in my sleep for not continuing a chain that was
started by Peter in 5 AD and brought to the USA by midget pilgrims on the
Mayflower. F**k them.

If you're going to forward something, at least send me something
mildly amusing. I've seen all the "send this to 10 of your closest
friends, and this poor, wretched excuse for a human being will somehow receive
a nickel from some omniscient being" forwards about 90 times. I don't
f***ing care.

Show a little intelligence and think about what you're actually
contributing to by sending out these forwards. Chances are, it's
your own unpopularity.

The point being? If you get some chain letter that's threatening
to leave you shagless or luckless for the rest of your life, delete it. If
it's funny, send it on. Don't piss people off by making them feel
guilty about a leper in Botswana with no teeth who has been tied to a dead
elephant for 27 years and whose only salvation is the 5 cents per letter he'll
receive if you forward this email.

Oh, by the way all you idiots out there...NO COMPANY HAS ANY WAY
OF TRACKING E-MAIL OUTSIDE THEIR SYSTEM -NO, NOT EVEN
MICROSOFT!!!

THERE IS NO SUCH TECHNOLOGY YET!!!!!! AND IF THERE WERE, IT
WOULD PROBABLY BE AGAINST THE LAW TO TRACK IT FOR PRIVACY MATTERS.

Now forward this to everyone you know. Otherwise, tomorrow morning
your underwear will turn carnivorous and will consume your genitals.

Confucius say...

2006-11-27T04:48:00.001-08:00

> Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.

> Confucius say...
> Passionate kiss, like spider web, lead to undoing of fly.

> Confucius say...
> Better to be pissed off than pissed on.

> Confucius say...
> He who walk through airport door sideways going to Bangkok.

> Confucius say...
> Boy who go to sleep with stiff problem wake up with solution in hand.

> Confucius say...
> Man with hole in pocket feel cocky all day long.

> Confucius say...
> Couple on 7 day honeymoon make hole weak.

> Confucius say...
> Girl who sit on jockeys lap get hot tip.

> Confucius say...
> Girl who sits on Judge's lap gets honorable discharge.

> Confucius say....
> Lady who go camping must beware of evil intent.

> Confucius say...
> Man who keep feet firmly on ground have trouble putting on pants.

> Confucius say...
> Squirrel who runs up woman's leg not find nuts

> Confucius say...
> He who run behind bus get exhausted.

> Confucius say:
> Man who leap off cliff jump to conclusion.

> Confucius say...
> Man with tight trousers is pressing his luck.

> Confucius say...
> He who fishes in others' holes often catches crabs.

> Confucius say...
> All women look same in dark

CASE DISMISSED!!!

2006-11-27T04:30:00.000-08:00

ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET 12659

CASE OF THE PREGNANT LADY
A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the
man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to
another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved
again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the
man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man
arrested. The case came up in court.

The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to
say for himself. The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this:
When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her
condition.

She sat under a sweets sign that said, "The Double Mint Twins
are Coming" and I grinned. Then she moved and sat under a sign
that said, "Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling", and I had to smile.
Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, "William's
Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain myself. BUT,
your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign
that said, "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident".. I just
lost it."

"CASE DISMISSED!!!

Dear John letter

2006-11-27T03:50:00.000-08:00

The ultimate response to a
Dear John letter ... You gotta love a man like this! Humor in the
face of defeat.

A Marine was deployed to Afghanistan. While he was there he received a
letter from his girlfriend. In the letter she explained that she had
slept with two guys while he had been gone and she wanted to break up
with him. AND, she wanted the pictures of herself back.

So the Marine did what any squared-away Marine would do. He went
around to all his buddies and collected as many of the unwanted photos
of women he could find. He then mailed about 25 pictures of women
(with clothes and
without) to his girlfriend with the following note: "I don't remember
which one you are. Please remove your picture and send the rest back."

Interesting Conversation

2006-11-27T02:54:00.000-08:00

An atheist professor of philosophy speaks to his class on the problem science has with Allah, The Creator.
He asks one of his new students to stand and.....
Prof: So you believe in Allah?
Student: Absolutely, sir.
Prof: Is Allah good?
Student: Sure.
Prof: Is Allah all-powerful?
Student: Yes.
Prof: My brother died of cancer even though he prayed to Allah to heal him. Most of us would attempt to help others who are ill. But Allah didn't. How is this Allah good then? Hmm?
Student: (Student is silent.)
Prof: You can't answer, can you? Let's start again, young fella. Is Allah good?
Student: Yes.
Prof: Is Shaytan good?
Student: No.
Prof: Where does Shaytan come from?
Student: From...Allah...
Prof: That's right. Tell me son, is there evil in this world?
Student: Yes.
Prof: Evil is everywhere, isn't it? And Allah did make everything. Correct?
Student: Yes.
Prof: So who created evil?
Student: (Student does not answer.)
Prof: Is there sickness? Immorality? Hatred? Ugliness? All these terrible things exist in the world, don't they?
Student: Yes, sir.
Prof: So, who created them?
Student: (Student has no answer.)
Prof: Science says you have 5 senses you use to identify and observe the world around you. Tell me, son...Have you ever seen Allah?
Student: No, sir.
Prof: Tell us if you have ever heard your Allah?
Student: No , sir.
Prof: Have you ever felt your Allah, tasted your Allah, smelt your Allah? Have you ever had any sensory perception of Allah for that matter?
Student: No, sir. I'm afraid I haven't.
Prof: Yet you still believe in Him?
Student: Yes.
Prof: According to empirical, testable, demonstrable protocol, science says your ALLAH doesn't exist. What do you say to that, son?
Student: Nothing. I only have my IMAAN (Faith).
Prof: Yes. Imaan (Faith). And that is the problem science has.
Student: Professor, is there such a thing as heat?
Prof: Yes.
Student: And is there such a thing as cold?
Prof: Yes.
Student: No sir. There isn't. (The lecture theatre becomes very quiet with this turn of events.)
Student: Sir, you can have lots of heat, even more heat, superheat, mega heat, white heat, a little heat or no heat. But we don't have anything called cold.
We can hit 458 degrees below zero which is no heat, but we can't go any further after that.
There is no such thing as cold. Cold is only a word we use to describe the absence of heat.
We cannot measure cold. Heat is energy. Cold is not the opposite of heat, sir, just the absence of it. There is pin-drop silence in the lecture theatre.)
Student: What about darkness, Professor? Is there such a thing as darkness?
Prof: Yes. What is night if there isn't darkness?
Student: You're wrong again, sir. Darkness is the absence of something.
You can have low light, normal light, bright light, flashing light....But if you have no light constantly, you have nothing and it's called darkness, isn't it? In reality, darkness isn't. If it were, you would be able to make darkness darker, wouldn't you?
Prof: So what is the point you are making, young man?
Student: Sir, my point is your philosophical premise is flawed.
Prof: Flawed? Can you explain how?
Student: Sir, you are working on the premise of duality. You argue there is life and then there is death, a good Allah and a bad Allah. You are viewing the concept of Allah as something finite, something we can measure.
Sir, science can't even explain a thought. It uses electricity and magnetism, but has never seen, much less fully understood either one.
To view death as the opposite of life is to be ignorant of the fact that death cannot exist as a substantive thing.
Death is not the opposite of life: just the absence of it. Now tell me, Professor.
Do you teach your students that they evolved from a monkey?
Prof: If you are referring to the natural evolutionary process, yes, of course, I do.
Student: Have you ever observed evolution with your own eyes, sir?
Prof: (The Professor shakes his head with a smile, beginning to realize where the argument is going.)
Student: Since no one has ever observed the process of evolution at work and cannot even prove that this process is an on-going endeavor, are you not teaching your opinion, sir?
Are you not a scientist but a preacher?
Prof: (The class is in uproar.)
Student: Is there anyone in the class who has ever seen the Professor's brain?
Prof: (The class breaks out into laughter.)
Student: Is there anyone here who has ever heard the Professor's brain, felt it, touched or smelt it?.....No one appears to have done so.
So, according to the established rules of empirical, stable, demonstrable protocol, science says that you have no brain, sir.
With all due respect, sir, how do we then trust your lectures, sir?
Prof: (The room is silent. The professor stares at the student, his face unfathomable.)
Prof: I guess you'll have to take them on Imaan (Faith), son.
Student: That is it sir.. The link between man & the Creator is IMAAN (Faith). That is all that keeps things moving & alive.

Suggestions for Improvements

2006-11-27T00:11:00.001-08:00

wanna link?

2006-11-24T05:47:00.000-08:00